It's a bitter pill to swallow.

This update comes with sadness and finality instead of hope like I'd wanted it to.

Because of health issues, on March 26, I'm having a surgery to remove my uterus.

You can't be a surrogate without a uterus.

Also, because of the diagnoses I have, I'm not a candidate to donate eggs afterward either.

It's been a very hard thing to have to accept. I've wanted to be a surrogate since I was a teenager. Giving up this dream of mine is so hard.

And I wasn't able to even do it once! My sick body couldn't support life and I was out before I was even in.

My former IF's had their baby in December and I am so unbelievably happy for them.

That seems like a good note to end this on.

Thank you for following my journey.

Loooooong overdue.

I've had it in my mind to update this since the last time but never got around to it. I wasn't going to tonight actually, and have no idea why I am now. But now I am so I may as well.

I posted last on October 21 and the estimated period date was 6 days after that. Well it actually started the next freaking day. I didn't include this in my post last time, because I was keeping my own life private, but my grandma had passed away earlier in the month.

I had told my IFs that I needed space to grieve but would be fine to start the process when my period came. Well, I wasn't.

I wasn't eating, I was isolating myself, and was crying a lot. I didn't tell them this, of course. And I really did think I would be okay.

I decided I wanted to wait a couple more cycles, let my body settle some more, and get my mental state under control. I talked with the program's coordinator and she basically shut me down. She told me that she was going to remove my profile from the website, I wasn't allowed at the surro retreat, and that I'd be removed from the Facebook groups.

Website, of course. Retreat, shitty but okay. Facebook groups, what??

I could have used the support from surrogates that had gone through the same things. I removed all but one from my own friend list and isolated myself further.

I wasn't given the option to talk with my IFs first, to let us discuss our next steps. I wasn't met with sympathy or understanding. No. I was kicked out when I needed them the most. At the end she told me that if I ever wanted to pursue surrogacy again, they'd be there.

Honestly, I will likely never go back to her. It's been 6 months and it still hurts.

My IFs were very heart broken. I got the lovely task of having to tell them that everything we'd gone through was for nothing. She couldn't even do that herself. We've only spoken a few times since and I feel guilty a lot of the time. They are wonderful people and just want to be parents. And I couldn't help them.

I will definitely look into this again at a later time. Mentally, I am much better. Physically, I think my body has finally decided to stop it's temper tantrum. Now I just need to wait until the time is right to explore it again. Expect more updates when I finally do!

A few more bumps in the road.

My apologies for the crappy hiatus.

The period that I posted about last time lasted 10 days. Other than having my own children, I have never bled that long, ever. So obviously if my uterus was still shedding it wouldn't be favourable for transfer so soon, so it was cancelled.

My nurse called in a script to induce a period. I forget now what it was called. I took those for 5 days and then had another period that was 8 days long. So in 23ish days, I bled for 18 of them. Not a particularly fun experience.

I decided to skip the next cycle after that one, to let me body regulate itself back and figure itself out. It doesn't like being messed with apparently. I think it was a hard decision for my IFs to accept, but I need to make sure I'm healthy first before putting my body through another transfer. I have my doubts that it would have worked anyway, if we'd gone right into it.

So now, we're just waiting for my cycle to start again. Projected, in about 6 days. Just in time for the next surro retreat!

I'm so very excited for it. The past few months have not been easy so it will be nice to get away for even just the weekend.

Really though, surro life has been pretty boring. When there's nothing going on, there's nothing to write about. Hence the hiatus.

Honestly, in a way I'm kind of glad for the failed transfer. My entire journey has not been the typical, sunshine-y, success story you usually see in the media. It hasn't been terrible though, either. I think if it had worked the first time and everything went perfectly, and I decided to do this again down the road, and it didn't happen the first time again, I'd be more hurt than I was this time.

I try hard to see the silver lining and I think that's what this one is.

Besides, perfect success stories are boring.

Here goes round two.

Yesterday was cycle day 1 (CD1) so today I've started my meds. I have a few new ones!

Estrace - 2 pills, 3x daily
Prednisone - 1x daily
Aspirin - 1x daily
Materna - 1x daily
Folic Acid - 1x daily

In case you can't count, that's 10 pills a day!

And you know what, I miscounted this morning when I was filling up my pill organizer. I somehow forgot one of them and spent the entire day thinking it was only 9. Writing that all out made me realize my mistake. Whoops! haha

I'll do lining check around the end of the month. Hopefully everything will look good. I'm hoping for more than 9mm, but I'll take what I can get. I'm going to, hopefully, consume a lot of foods that help the uterine lining. I had a list last time but have since deleted it.

And then again, shortly after that, will be transfer day.

I'm kind of worried about when this is going to happen. My kids start school September 6. My son is only there for half an hour the first day, to meet his teacher and classmates, and starts full time the next day.

Going by my timeline last time, transfer will be scheduled for the 6th. I'm reaaaallly hoping it won't be. Especially since I don't think my mom can take the day off again. So cross your fingers and toes for me that it just isn't THAT day.

Heck, even Labour Day would be fine lol.

But man, the period you get after stopping the meds is just rude. Constant, consistent cramps from approx 5 to when I went to sleep, maybe 11:30. HOURS of cramping that felt like my uterus was trying to detach itself from my body. I told a friend to not be surprised if I told her the next day that I'd coughed it up.

I use the Diva Cup and have never had a problem with leakage. In the multitude of years I've been having a period, I've never leaked at night through my method of coverage. Well, I broke two records in one night! I woke up around 6:15 and just knew that it wasn't going to be good. And it sure wasn't.

It's been a lovely, lovely day. I just can't wait for this to be over. And I hope it never happens again (that the transfer works this time).

I asked a few of my surro friends about what time they do their PIO injections during the day. I was doing mine around 9:30PM; that way I had time to sit and relax with the heating pad. I think this time I'm going to do them in the morning. See if that makes any type of difference.

The nurse had said this time we're also doing an intralipid infusion (fats and nutrients, basically) and we're to use embryo glue during the transfer. It just makes the embie extra sticky. I also assume my PIO will be upped and I'll have to start the suppositories, or capsules, as well. I've heard wonderful things about the suppositories.

Also, apparently some women even have to do the Estrace vaginally O.O

Fun times!

And sometimes things just don't work out.

Unfortunately, the transfer didn't take. We got the official blood test results last night.

I'd been expecting it because I had tested a few times prior to that. I wanted the line progression and to surprise IFs with a picture of the test. They're bummed, as expected. I'm not too torn up, mainly because I knew it was coming.

So now I stop the meds, on the nurse's orders, and then we wait for my period to show up. IFs want to try again right away. I'm pretty okay with it.

I am just not excited about having to stop and then restart the needles, and redo the one specific medication. Medrol, I think, is absolutely disgusting.

But a little set back won't stop me. So we'll jump right back on it and git-r-dun.

Kind of a crappy update, but surrogacy isn't all sunshine and rainbows, as I've painfully found out.

Hopefully next time x

We have lift off!

Well, the big day was yesterday!

My appointment was for 12. My mom and I traveled to Toronto to the fertility clinic and were almost late because we couldn't find parking, lol. But we made it with 5 minutes to spare.

We needn't have worried though. The doctor ended up being almost 2 hours late. I got an ultrasound photo and the time stamp was 1:52 haha.

I was super nervous in the morning before we left, but that wore off pretty quick because of the waiting. By the time I got into the procedure room I was just ready to get on with it.

The procedure itself took no time at all. I spent more time waiting on the exam bed than I did having the embryo transferred.

Which was pretty cool to watch. Doctor said the transfer went perfectly!

Now I can wait 6 - 8 days to start peeing on home tests. I think I'm going to start Tuesday night to see how the line progresses.

On the 15th I have the first beta hCG blood test. It measures the hCG hormone in my body. The first number doesn't matter much, but the second one does. It needs to at least double to be considered a viable pregnancy. If it doesn't then it's a failed transfer and we try again with my next cycle.

If it is confirmed, I'm not sure what happens. If the fertility clinic keeps me on, or if I'm then free to find my own midwife. I guess I'll find out when that happens.

I've got good feelings about it.

And either way, I'll be calling a midwife the minute that second line shows up. They're hard to get in with. Especially since I want to try for a VBA2C (vaginal birth after 2 cesareans). It can be tricky so most midwives won't take anyone like that. But I happen to know a practice that said they'll love to have me.

I'm also going to have a doula. I wasn't aware that a midwife doesn't cover the emotional/mental aspect of labour and delivery. They're really only there to make sure I'm fine and that the baby is out safely.

A doula is all about the support. They rub your feet, get you water, change your music, anything to make you more comfortable. I was very pleased to find out I can have both and I won't look like an idiot, haha.

The next 10 days are going to be long ones!

I did it!

Yesterday was the day I started the PIO injections. I chickened out and called my mom. It didn't hurt, but the oil is hard to push through the needle.

But guess what!

I did my own today!

It took me about 5 minutes to finally stick the needle in, and I still feel sick thinking about it, but I freaking did it.

So I should be okay from now on.

Tomorrow I start the other meds and in 4 days we transfer!