It's a bitter pill to swallow.

This update comes with sadness and finality instead of hope like I'd wanted it to.

Because of health issues, on March 26, I'm having a surgery to remove my uterus.

You can't be a surrogate without a uterus.

Also, because of the diagnoses I have, I'm not a candidate to donate eggs afterward either.

It's been a very hard thing to have to accept. I've wanted to be a surrogate since I was a teenager. Giving up this dream of mine is so hard.

And I wasn't able to even do it once! My sick body couldn't support life and I was out before I was even in.

My former IF's had their baby in December and I am so unbelievably happy for them.

That seems like a good note to end this on.

Thank you for following my journey.

Loooooong overdue.

I've had it in my mind to update this since the last time but never got around to it. I wasn't going to tonight actually, and have no idea why I am now. But now I am so I may as well.

I posted last on October 21 and the estimated period date was 6 days after that. Well it actually started the next freaking day. I didn't include this in my post last time, because I was keeping my own life private, but my grandma had passed away earlier in the month.

I had told my IFs that I needed space to grieve but would be fine to start the process when my period came. Well, I wasn't.

I wasn't eating, I was isolating myself, and was crying a lot. I didn't tell them this, of course. And I really did think I would be okay.

I decided I wanted to wait a couple more cycles, let my body settle some more, and get my mental state under control. I talked with the program's coordinator and she basically shut me down. She told me that she was going to remove my profile from the website, I wasn't allowed at the surro retreat, and that I'd be removed from the Facebook groups.

Website, of course. Retreat, shitty but okay. Facebook groups, what??

I could have used the support from surrogates that had gone through the same things. I removed all but one from my own friend list and isolated myself further.

I wasn't given the option to talk with my IFs first, to let us discuss our next steps. I wasn't met with sympathy or understanding. No. I was kicked out when I needed them the most. At the end she told me that if I ever wanted to pursue surrogacy again, they'd be there.

Honestly, I will likely never go back to her. It's been 6 months and it still hurts.

My IFs were very heart broken. I got the lovely task of having to tell them that everything we'd gone through was for nothing. She couldn't even do that herself. We've only spoken a few times since and I feel guilty a lot of the time. They are wonderful people and just want to be parents. And I couldn't help them.

I will definitely look into this again at a later time. Mentally, I am much better. Physically, I think my body has finally decided to stop it's temper tantrum. Now I just need to wait until the time is right to explore it again. Expect more updates when I finally do!

A few more bumps in the road.

My apologies for the crappy hiatus.

The period that I posted about last time lasted 10 days. Other than having my own children, I have never bled that long, ever. So obviously if my uterus was still shedding it wouldn't be favourable for transfer so soon, so it was cancelled.

My nurse called in a script to induce a period. I forget now what it was called. I took those for 5 days and then had another period that was 8 days long. So in 23ish days, I bled for 18 of them. Not a particularly fun experience.

I decided to skip the next cycle after that one, to let me body regulate itself back and figure itself out. It doesn't like being messed with apparently. I think it was a hard decision for my IFs to accept, but I need to make sure I'm healthy first before putting my body through another transfer. I have my doubts that it would have worked anyway, if we'd gone right into it.

So now, we're just waiting for my cycle to start again. Projected, in about 6 days. Just in time for the next surro retreat!

I'm so very excited for it. The past few months have not been easy so it will be nice to get away for even just the weekend.

Really though, surro life has been pretty boring. When there's nothing going on, there's nothing to write about. Hence the hiatus.

Honestly, in a way I'm kind of glad for the failed transfer. My entire journey has not been the typical, sunshine-y, success story you usually see in the media. It hasn't been terrible though, either. I think if it had worked the first time and everything went perfectly, and I decided to do this again down the road, and it didn't happen the first time again, I'd be more hurt than I was this time.

I try hard to see the silver lining and I think that's what this one is.

Besides, perfect success stories are boring.

Here goes round two.

Yesterday was cycle day 1 (CD1) so today I've started my meds. I have a few new ones!

Estrace - 2 pills, 3x daily
Prednisone - 1x daily
Aspirin - 1x daily
Materna - 1x daily
Folic Acid - 1x daily

In case you can't count, that's 10 pills a day!

And you know what, I miscounted this morning when I was filling up my pill organizer. I somehow forgot one of them and spent the entire day thinking it was only 9. Writing that all out made me realize my mistake. Whoops! haha

I'll do lining check around the end of the month. Hopefully everything will look good. I'm hoping for more than 9mm, but I'll take what I can get. I'm going to, hopefully, consume a lot of foods that help the uterine lining. I had a list last time but have since deleted it.

And then again, shortly after that, will be transfer day.

I'm kind of worried about when this is going to happen. My kids start school September 6. My son is only there for half an hour the first day, to meet his teacher and classmates, and starts full time the next day.

Going by my timeline last time, transfer will be scheduled for the 6th. I'm reaaaallly hoping it won't be. Especially since I don't think my mom can take the day off again. So cross your fingers and toes for me that it just isn't THAT day.

Heck, even Labour Day would be fine lol.

But man, the period you get after stopping the meds is just rude. Constant, consistent cramps from approx 5 to when I went to sleep, maybe 11:30. HOURS of cramping that felt like my uterus was trying to detach itself from my body. I told a friend to not be surprised if I told her the next day that I'd coughed it up.

I use the Diva Cup and have never had a problem with leakage. In the multitude of years I've been having a period, I've never leaked at night through my method of coverage. Well, I broke two records in one night! I woke up around 6:15 and just knew that it wasn't going to be good. And it sure wasn't.

It's been a lovely, lovely day. I just can't wait for this to be over. And I hope it never happens again (that the transfer works this time).

I asked a few of my surro friends about what time they do their PIO injections during the day. I was doing mine around 9:30PM; that way I had time to sit and relax with the heating pad. I think this time I'm going to do them in the morning. See if that makes any type of difference.

The nurse had said this time we're also doing an intralipid infusion (fats and nutrients, basically) and we're to use embryo glue during the transfer. It just makes the embie extra sticky. I also assume my PIO will be upped and I'll have to start the suppositories, or capsules, as well. I've heard wonderful things about the suppositories.

Also, apparently some women even have to do the Estrace vaginally O.O

Fun times!

And sometimes things just don't work out.

Unfortunately, the transfer didn't take. We got the official blood test results last night.

I'd been expecting it because I had tested a few times prior to that. I wanted the line progression and to surprise IFs with a picture of the test. They're bummed, as expected. I'm not too torn up, mainly because I knew it was coming.

So now I stop the meds, on the nurse's orders, and then we wait for my period to show up. IFs want to try again right away. I'm pretty okay with it.

I am just not excited about having to stop and then restart the needles, and redo the one specific medication. Medrol, I think, is absolutely disgusting.

But a little set back won't stop me. So we'll jump right back on it and git-r-dun.

Kind of a crappy update, but surrogacy isn't all sunshine and rainbows, as I've painfully found out.

Hopefully next time x

We have lift off!

Well, the big day was yesterday!

My appointment was for 12. My mom and I traveled to Toronto to the fertility clinic and were almost late because we couldn't find parking, lol. But we made it with 5 minutes to spare.

We needn't have worried though. The doctor ended up being almost 2 hours late. I got an ultrasound photo and the time stamp was 1:52 haha.

I was super nervous in the morning before we left, but that wore off pretty quick because of the waiting. By the time I got into the procedure room I was just ready to get on with it.

The procedure itself took no time at all. I spent more time waiting on the exam bed than I did having the embryo transferred.

Which was pretty cool to watch. Doctor said the transfer went perfectly!

Now I can wait 6 - 8 days to start peeing on home tests. I think I'm going to start Tuesday night to see how the line progresses.

On the 15th I have the first beta hCG blood test. It measures the hCG hormone in my body. The first number doesn't matter much, but the second one does. It needs to at least double to be considered a viable pregnancy. If it doesn't then it's a failed transfer and we try again with my next cycle.

If it is confirmed, I'm not sure what happens. If the fertility clinic keeps me on, or if I'm then free to find my own midwife. I guess I'll find out when that happens.

I've got good feelings about it.

And either way, I'll be calling a midwife the minute that second line shows up. They're hard to get in with. Especially since I want to try for a VBA2C (vaginal birth after 2 cesareans). It can be tricky so most midwives won't take anyone like that. But I happen to know a practice that said they'll love to have me.

I'm also going to have a doula. I wasn't aware that a midwife doesn't cover the emotional/mental aspect of labour and delivery. They're really only there to make sure I'm fine and that the baby is out safely.

A doula is all about the support. They rub your feet, get you water, change your music, anything to make you more comfortable. I was very pleased to find out I can have both and I won't look like an idiot, haha.

The next 10 days are going to be long ones!

I did it!

Yesterday was the day I started the PIO injections. I chickened out and called my mom. It didn't hurt, but the oil is hard to push through the needle.

But guess what!

I did my own today!

It took me about 5 minutes to finally stick the needle in, and I still feel sick thinking about it, but I freaking did it.

So I should be okay from now on.

Tomorrow I start the other meds and in 4 days we transfer!

WHOA BOY

I had my lining check this morning. I needn't have worried because my lining was 9mm!

All doctors want different numbers, but the general rule is at least 8mm. So I made it! Yay!

That means I start the progesterone (PIO = progesterone in oil) injections tomorrow. I get to stab my ass with a 1 1/2 inch needle, woo!

On Sunday, 31st, I'll start two other different medications. Doxycycline and Medrol. Both are just to aid my body into thinking it's already pregnant before the transfer.

I take the Doxy for 3 days. 1 pill 2x daily. And the Medrol for 4 days. 1 pill once a day. It's a lot to remember! So naturally I've written it down in about 3 different places.

And now for the best part!

Drum roll....

Transfer is August 3rd! That's right! 6 days from now!

I am so excited. And IPs are completely over the moon.

I can't wait to start peeing on sticks, hahah.

This is my fully stocked medicine cabinet.

A few more days..

Until my lining check. I find myself stressing about it.

I've been drinking and eating things high in vitamin whatever, but I'm a worrier. It's a hobby at this point.

Now that the legals are done and we're just waiting on me and my body, I'm feeling a lot of pressure.

I know it's stupid, and logically there is no pressure, but I feel it all the same.

I want this to happen, first shot, so badly for A&M. They deserve to have the family that they want. 8 years is a long time to want a family.

So I'm just counting down the days, hoping Thursday gets here quick.

Finally.

Finally.

My cycle started yesterday which means I started the Estrace today. I'll be taking 2 pills, 3x a day for a while. I imagine that will go down once I start the progesterone.

I got my lining check today as well! Next Thursday at 10 AM! Providing everything goes well there, I'll get my transfer date.

Eeee! Today has been filled with great things. It's fantastic.

The next month is going to be busy!

We are a go!

Oh boy.

Misinformation sucks. I was told some things that weren't entirely whole true, so a lot of hopes went up only to be tugged down pretty hard.

Turns out the contract was not done. It was done and signed on June 30. It was sent to the clinic July 4 and guess what, I finally got my protocol today!

Well.. technically only part of it. But, still!

I start Estrace (estrogen) with my upcoming cycle on day two. It will get my body pumped and ready to prepare for a baby. 10 days after that I will have a lining check of my uterus via internal ultrasound.

And yes, it is as much fun as it sounds.

That day I will get the rest of my protocol and with any luck, transfer will be the first week of August. Yay!

I'll need to start eating/drinking things rich in whatever vitamins thicken the uterine lining. Pom juice, sweet potatoes, pineapple core (who knew), and lots of orgasms, haha. Sounds lovely.

I'm crossing my fingers for an early period lol.

I am not looking forward to sticking myself in the ass everyday with a 2 inch needle. I've been told once I do it the first time that it's fine. But I have a needle phobia and still cry when nurses take my blood. Sigh.

I went on a surrogate retreat this past weekend. It was fantastic. The rooms were all amazing and the food was delicious! SCO's coordinator planned a ton of stuff for us to do and I went home with a lot of goodies! Chocolate and cookies - to die for!

~~~

I also realize I haven't talked at all about where I applied or who I'm doing this with.

Back in January when my friend made me realize I can still be a surrogate, I searched up surrogacy in Canada on Google and was taken to Surrogacy In Canada Online https://surrogacy.ca/

I went through the application and after my second attempt talked with Sally, the program's coordinator. She is a lovely, lovely woman. If I ever have a question about the process or just a general problem/issue she's right there to answer me. She started this program way back when after being a surrogate herself. Her story is on the website, for those that are interested!

After I was accepted into the program, Sally added me into two secret groups on Facebook. One for surrogates and intended parents, and the other just for the surrogates. I have met so many wonderful ladies. They are all so kind and giving. I didn't expect much of a support system outside of my own people and was so pleasantly surprised to find them all.

SCO is how I met my IPs. Complete luck and chance. Surrogacy is actually illegal in a lot of countries in Europe. It isn't in Belgium, but apparently it is very complicated and my IPs found not a lot of them women do it altruistically. Like in the States, you can be paid to be a surrogate. In Canada you are only compensated for pregnancy related expenses.

For example; mileage to the clinic (little over an hour from my city), meals we eat during the trip, childcare if needed, clothing for the pregnancy. Special expenses like bed rest, special diets (if the IPs require that), lost wages, etc. It all has to relate to the surrogacy directly to be compensated.

I haven't been asked yet, but I know a lot of surros are. "You must make a lot doing that?" Well, no. And I'm not in it for the money anyway. I'm doing this to create a family that can't otherwise do it on their own.

I'm sure a lot of other people wonder - Why don't they just adopt?

It also isn't that easy. My IPs are gay, and it's very hard for gay couples to adopt in Europe I guess. Plus, why should that be someone's first choice? Isn't that why we have IVF? For couples to have a baby with their own genetics?

Either way, I'm so blessed to have A&M in my life. And none of this would have happened without Sally and SCO. She has created a great community.

If you, or anyone you know, is the tiniest bit interested in surrogacy please visit the website and look around! Or even egg donation! Half of this wouldn't be possible without the lovely women that donate their eggs for others!

It's really, truly a wonderful thing to do!

One step forward, two steps back.

With the contract being done (we still haven't signed it yet) I figured I'd start the meds soon and everything would move along nicely.

No.

The nurse said today that I can start the estrogen with my next cycle. In approx 20 days. And then transfer is 20 days after that.

So there is definitely no transfer is July.

Assuming that my period starts in 20 days and isn't late, that put my cycle day 2 at July 18. 20 days after that is August 7, depending on how they count the 20 days.

Just a big bummer.

Also, the farther back this is pushed, the longer I'll be pregnant next year. With a transfer date of August 7, with 5 day frozen embryos, the due date would be the end of April.

My wedding is in May lol.

It's done!

The contract, that is! We all just need to sign it now, get the legal letter to the nurse, who will then send my meds over and everything will actually start.

Yay!

More hurry up.

And wait.

My IPs lawyer seems to take forever with her side of things. The clinic seems to take forever with their stuff. It's all been very frustrating.

We're still working on the agreement details.

I talked with my lawyer last week and we got everything squared away on our side. So we've been sitting on our hands waiting for IPs lawyer to write her revision and send it back to us. I think that will be done tomorrow.

I was told that since our legals are all very standard and simple that legals wouldn't take very long and would be handled quickly. I feel jipped. I also feel like I'm the only one that wants to move this along and get myself pregnant.

My next period is due any day (it's actually late) and I won't be starting Estrace on my day 2, which means transfer will likely be postponed another cycle.

Frustrating.

I mean, I guess the upside is that the longer it takes, the less of the summer I'm pregnant for. So there's that.

And the meds. I am not looking forward to sticking myself in the ass everyday for 12 weeks. My partner always grins when it's mentioned, like he's just itching to get his hands on that needle.

So that's that for that. Not much has happened this month. Hopefully things start picking up!

I'm all cleared.

I had my medical screening on May 14. It went really well. Did an ultrasound, a full physical workup, sono, and had a talk with the fertility doctor. He was nice. During the sono he said I have a beautiful uterus, hahah.

Last week my IPs told me their lawyer doesn't want to start contract stuff until we get the go ahead from the clinic. I was pretty bummed about that. I wanted to get that all done and then start cycling with my next period (any day now).

But one more month won't hurt anything.

The clinic had told my IPs that it could take a few weeks to get the results from my screening.

Surprise! They cleared me today!

I'm ecstatic!

Now we can get the contract stuff taken care of and with any luck I'll start the medications with my period next month, which would put transfer in July!

Right now I'm just waiting for the clinic's nurse to e-mail me directly about everything. I'll likely get my medication protocol. Which is great because even if I'm not doing anything yet, I still like to know what my next steps are well in advance.

Fingers are crossed for a quick month!

1 down 1 to go.

I had my counseling session today via Skype with the fertility clinic.

That was interesting. And awkward.

It's uncomfortable enough for me to tell a counselor something to their face, but on a screen was doubly weird.

I felt like it went okay, though. She didn't outright say "You're good to go!" but I didn't get "No fucking way." either.

I'm pretty hopeful.

M&A got the card (that I sent on May 3) today. They loved it! I sent them a postcard from my recent trip to Ottawa today, too.

Now just for my medical screening on Saturday.

Holy cow, that's only four days away!

I'm cautious but optimistic. I got pregnant on my own twice just fine, I don't see any reason why I shouldn't with a little (a lot) of help.

With any luck I'll have my hormone protocol when I leave and I'll be able to start the medications real soon.

If all goes according to plan we could be looking at a July or August transfer!

M&A's donor eggs are being retrieved on Friday, they'll get the embryos started, and at 6 days they'll do genetic testing on them. Crossing my fingers that they're perfect. Then it's all up to me!

Exciting stuff happening!

Getting ahead of myself.

Tonight I'm trying to think of ways to tell my IPs that I'm pregnant.

I'm completely jumping ahead because I haven't even done my screenings yet!

It's just too bad that they live across the ocean because it limits me. I'd love to do something big and awesome but I''ve really only got e-mail or Skype.

I was thinking of a shirt that says something along the lines of "you're going to be daddies!". But, not telling them and hoping they read it haha.

I'd love to see their faces and watch them figure it out.

It's all set.

Bit of an update tonight.

I finally got my counseling session which will be done via Skype. That will be May 11.

And the big one:

I met my IPs yesterday!

They're wonderful. They treated me, Beard and Bub to lunch, and they brought me genuine Belgian chocolates. Two boxes!

They even bought two boxes of Guide cookies from Ma'am.

Meeting them made me feel a million times stronger in my decision to be their surrogate. They're going to be amazing parents and I feel so blessed to be able to make it happen for them.

Beautiful things are about to happen.

Yes!

I finally have an appointment date for my screenings!

I go May 14 for the medical stuff and apparently I'll do the psych stuff over Skype. I'd prefer to just do it all in one go, but oh well.

Little update, I'm so excited!

Finally some headway.

April 13

My application has been approved by the clinic!

~~

Lots more waiting. I finally got an e-mail from the clinic on April 18 to make an appointment for my screenings. I'm going to Ottawa from May 5 to 10, so of course guess which date they asked for.

Correct. A date in which I'm not able to go.

So now I'm waiting, again, for the nurse to e-mail me back with a new date.

This is all very frustrating. They really seem to take their time.

A&M and I are all set to meet on April 30! Very exciting!

It's silly but I'm worried that I'm going to be taller than them.

Another small update, but nothing's been happening around here thus far. Hopefully they start picking up soon!