21 April 2017

Loooooong overdue.

I've had it in my mind to update this since the last time but never got around to it. I wasn't going to tonight actually, and have no idea why I am now. But now I am so I may as well.

I posted last on October 21 and the estimated period date was 6 days after that. Well it actually started the next freaking day. I didn't include this in my post last time, because I was keeping my own life private, but my grandma had passed away earlier in the month.

I had told my IFs that I needed space to grieve but would be fine to start the process when my period came. Well, I wasn't.

I wasn't eating, I was isolating myself, and was crying a lot. I didn't tell them this, of course. And I really did think I would be okay.

I decided I wanted to wait a couple more cycles, let my body settle some more, and get my mental state under control. I talked with the program's coordinator and she basically shut me down. She told me that she was going to remove my profile from the website, I wasn't allowed at the surro retreat, and that I'd be removed from the Facebook groups.

Website, of course. Retreat, shitty but okay. Facebook groups, what??

I could have used the support from surrogates that had gone through the same things. I removed all but one from my own friend list and isolated myself further.

I wasn't given the option to talk with my IFs first, to let us discuss our next steps. I wasn't met with sympathy or understanding. No. I was kicked out when I needed them the most. At the end she told me that if I ever wanted to pursue surrogacy again, they'd be there.

Honestly, I will likely never go back to her. It's been 6 months and it still hurts.

My IFs were very heart broken. I got the lovely task of having to tell them that everything we'd gone through was for nothing. She couldn't even do that herself. We've only spoken a few times since and I feel guilty a lot of the time. They are wonderful people and just want to be parents. And I couldn't help them.

I will definitely look into this again at a later time. Mentally, I am much better. Physically, I think my body has finally decided to stop it's temper tantrum. Now I just need to wait until the time is right to explore it again. Expect more updates when I finally do!